The Spider of Self-Esteem: The Trap Of Transformation and Success

Imagine a world in which you were so busy creating and participating in beautiful experiences (i.e., having fun) that you didn't have time to worry about your success, your achievements, or your attractiveness. Wouldn't that be cool? This article shows you how to make this vision a reality.

I sometimes ask seminar participants to notice their internal response to the following question:

"On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how would you rate your overall self-esteem?"

I encourage you to stop and answer the question yourself before reading on...After having them answer the question to themselves, I then ask them the following question:

"How many of you noticed that you wanted your answer to be higher on the scale - that you wanted to answer that you had very high self-esteem?"

Again, I encourage you to answer this question as well. Typically, most everyone in the room answers the second question "yes, I wanted my answer to be 'high self-esteem.'" I then tell them that the fact that they want high self-esteem is a symptom that they don't have it!

"Only someone with low self-esteem cares if they have high self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are too busy having fun!"

After dealing with the conversation that inevitably follows, I then point out the important part of this exercise, which is this: the whole question of whether or not you have high self-esteem misses the point. Your score on this test simply doesn't matter! Your self-esteem is exactly what it is. Whether or not you recognize it to be high or low doesn't change a thing. All it does is give you another thing to judge yourself about. All it does is feed the idea that you have to "do/be/have" SOMETHING in order to finally be good enough.

In the book, The Key Is In The Darkness (http://ThePriestAndThePunk.com), we point out that there are two types of goals that we can focus on that we call: 1) REWARDS: pleasure, beauty, and happiness, and 2) TROPHIES: success, self-esteem, and proving that you are valuable/good enough and worthy of love and respect.

When we get caught up in pursuing trophies that signify our worth, it is as if we are on trial in our lives; as if there is some judge that is evaluating our performance and promising us moral trophies if we are only "good enough." If we meet the judges standards we win the trophy, we are "successful" and feel self-esteem. If we fail to meet the standards of this judge, we don't get trophies, but get labeled a failure and "not good enough." We feel shame. The more we focus on pleasing this judge, the more important winning (and especially not losing) these trophies becomes. We become more interested in looking good than being happy. We call this the self-image/self-esteem game.

The more important our self-esteem becomes, the we play the self-esteem game, the more of our time/energy/attention gets caught up in trying to win or protect our trophies, and the less time/energy/attention is available to build happiness, intimacy, and beauty in our lives. To the degree you focus on your level of success or value or accomplishment - to the degree that you care about your self-esteem - to that degree you steal valuable attention from those aspects of life that will really make you happy.

I like to think of the self-esteem game like a spider. Imagine you are at a picnic table having fun with your friends and a small and harmless spider begins crawling accross the table. For some people, when they see the spider, it attracts all of their attention. They stop whatever conversation they are having and focus all of their energy on getting rid of the spider. They might back away from the table, or insist that someone else "get rid of it!" In other words, everything else has to stop until the spider is taken care of. The experiences of real value - the friendships and intimacy, the enjoyment of the food and environment, the plans and partnership you are discussing - all these go by the wayside so we can "deal with" this spider.

Self-esteem concerns act just like the spider in this story. Only with self-esteem, there isn't even a spider to be concerned about, only 1) our opinion of our Self, and/or 2) our beleifs about the opinions others hold about us. Instead of a spider, we see an imaginary trophy that we will either win or lose, depending on whether or not we are "good enough."

For example, I might be at the picnic table with my friends, and begin to worry about whether or not I have food in my teeth (or whether I am attractive, or thin, or successful, or smart, or graceful, or even relaxed or enlightened enough, etc...). In the process, my attention gets sucked away from the conversation, the friendship, the beauty of the picnic and focused on my teeth. However, instead of just asking someone if I have food in my teeth (that would be...unthinkable! How embarassing - it would be proof that I am not good enough...and what if they said yes! How embarrassing! That would be more proof...), I put all of my attention on 1) pretending to still be involved in the conversation, while I 2) try to inconspicuously clean the spaces between my teeth (or internally talk to myself about whatever "self-esteem" concern that has gotten my attention). The more I focus on my teeth, the less "present" I am to the picnic, the less I particpate in the conversation, and the less joy I get from the experience. Further, I will typically become afraid that someone will notice that I am not present and ask me what I am thinking about, which would be embarassing... In fact, I might leave the picnic wishing I hadn't gone because it was so uncomfortable for me to be around people because my focus was on my self-esteem concerns.

The spider of self-esteem is even more challenging than a real spider because we can actually deal with a real spider. We can scoot it away, put it outside, or even kill it. However, in life, there are an endless number of self-esteem issues to focus on. It is like an army of spiders coming from all sides. We can never address them all. The only thing we can do is just let them be, and focus on the positive experiences of the picnic.

This is often called forgiveness. It is to accept that we will never be attractive, successful, rich, accomplished, or enlightened "enough." There is always farther to go, and always "better" to get. In the face of this, we accept where we are, let go of the self-judgement, and focus on having fun with what we have. We are EXACTLY as we are. We are perfectly what we are. We are an expression of a universe that is so great and glorious that it is appropriately called divine. As we accept ourselves as a participant and expression of this divinity, we realize that we are free from the need to earn trophies. We are free to express our deepest sense of love, joy, and beauty, just because it feels ecstatic to do so!

For those who believe that it is not your place to forgive yourself, that only a divine power or being that has the power to judge you, allow that divine presence to forgive you. In virtually every religious tradition, the divine source has offered forgiveness and salvation - you have the choice to accept that forgiveness and realize that there is nothing you need to prove, that you are already fully accepted and loved as you are, and that there are an infinite number of ways to express your love and thanks to the divnity that created and embraces you.

This is the shift from trophies to rewards; from trying to prove that we are good enough to enjoying life as fully as possible; from doing something because we think we should, to doing it because it honors and expresses our deepest values; from trying to fit ourselves into the mold of who we think we should be, to exploring, discovering, and expressing who we are. Most importantly, it is to do this in the face of spiders, in the face of our own idiosyncratic silliness and mistakes.

The experience of focusing on love, joy, and beauty in the face of our and the world's silliness - just because it feels "right" to our soul, is what we call FunJoyment. Perhaps this article inspired you to let go of some of your self-esteem concerns and focus on the beauty and possibility that is all around you. If so, FunJoy it!

Mark

http://MarkMichaelLewis.com

Transformation, Enlightenment, and Freedom

We might say that the essential "insight" of transformation is the
realization that we will not become "enlightened/happy/complete/fulfilled"
THROUGH/AFTER doing or achieving "X" (a relationship, a job, money, fame, a
quiet mind, etc.). That is the essential illusion that leads to
disillusionment. Rather, WE ARE THAT which we want always/already. We
already have a left foot. The "doing" of meditation/creation/sex/success is
distinct from who we are, and CANNOT change who we are. We ARE a perfect
expression of existence. We are already full participants in Divinity, and
nothing we do or do not do can EVER change that.

Given this insight, we can either approach the doing "seriously/personal" (as if it
is somehow important in a soulful/spiritual sense, as if it will somehow
change who and what we are, especially our value/goodness/worth), or we can
approach the doing "playfully/practical" (in my terminology, as a Game: a set of
conditions/challenges we take on for the joy of the challenge and to expand
our capacity/experience of FunJoyment/pleasure/joy/love/beauty).

As I like to say, there is absolutely nothing to prove and no one to prove
it to, AND there is EVERYTHING to do.

The Key Is In The Darkness - Problems Are The Solution.

Much love,

Mark

Work, War, and The IceCapades: Elightenment As The New Heaven

There is an old Buddhist saying that says "before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water." The idea behind this seemingly counterintuitive statement is that the experience of enlightenment is not about changing the external world, but about an experience of consciousness that changes how we experience the world. This seems counterintuitive to many people in the New Age movement, because the idea of enlightenment has gotten saddled with the type of "Heaven fantasies" they used to be reserved for the afterlife of a monotheistic God. Enlightenment has become the new Heaven.

Of course, in the classic Buddhist saying, the context in which was written was both technologically simpler and socially less diverse, particularly for monks :-). "Chop wood, carry water" spoke to the fundamental and basic actions required to live a simple life. When we expand this to our own present-day context, we might say "Before Enlightenment: Work, War, and the IceCapades. After Enlightenment: Work, War, and the IceCapades."

This new mantra reminds us that each part of our lives, as it is currently, will continue on essentially unchanged even if we become enlightened. We will still need deal with traffic and pay whatever tax they can think of next. We will still be almost completely powerless to change the course of international, national, state, and even local politics. We will still get calls from telemarketers selling as the latest gadget with the promise that it will finally offer us the entertainment/power/attractiveness/status/fulfillment that we have always wanted.

To the degree that we are attracted to the idea of increasing our conscious awareness (be it through meditation, positive thinking, visualization, intention, energetics, magic, or a pill that burns fat while we sleep while making us smarter, happier, more energized, and better in bed...) it is helpful to keep in mind what enlightenment is and what it is not.

Enlightenment is not Heaven on earth, if you understand Heaven to be a place without strife, where the lamb lays down with the lion, and we overcome death but keep life. Enlightenment is not the end of pain, suffering, and strife. Enlightenment is the realization that we need not close our hearts in the face of pain, suffering, and strife; that who and what we are transcends both pain and pleasure; that although our body, the society, and the environment we find so beautiful can be destroyed, our essential self cannot be hurt. Further, that the entire play of creation and destruction is fundamentally good/beautiful/ecstatic. Enlightenment does not change the world but how we relate to it.

Accepting and integrating this particular insight not only keeps us from worshiping false idols and imbuing childish illusions with religious sanctity, it also can give us practical guidance about how we can and cannot integrate our spiritual practice into our daily lives. Specifically, it can help us understand the relationship between our spiritual practices and awareness, and the values that make up the day-to-day experience of our lives.

Often, people think about spirituality and material/social realities of living in the human body as somehow opposite or contradictory. They talk about the conflict between spirit in flesh, mind and body, the eternal world of God and the temporal world of man. In the face of this, people will often osscilate between the two worlds, focusing all of their attention on one or the other. Sometimes, when they are focusing on one, they will disparage the other, which makes it that much more challenging when reality asks them to put their attention on it at a later date.

Fortunately, the idea of "chop wood, carry water" gives us a different insight on the relation between these "two worlds" They are not in opposition or contradiction to one another, but rather complimentary partners. They are both independent of one another, but profoundly related. We can think of them as different dimensions of the same thing, like the length and width of a room. Or we might see them as our right and left leg, which, when they are used in tandem, allow us to walk, run, and dance. The more of one you have, the more fully you can enjoy the other. This has two important consequences.

First, it means that we need not sacrifice one in order to excel in the other. We do not need to give up our material/social success or ambitions for comfort, love, power, and enjoyment in order to be spiritual. In the same way, we do not have to sacrifice spirituality in order to be successful in the world. We can have both, or, as many people tragically discover, neither. As we will later suggest, when we understand them appropriately, and relate them to one another with artistry, each can deepen in further quality of the other. In summary, the relationship between spirituality and material/social success is not either/or, but both/and.

Second, it helps us avoid a common mistake in many New Age circles: believing that if we get our spiritual house in order, our social/material house will somehow automatically order itself. Unfortunately, as many students of consciousness and interior development have learned this is not the case. In the metaphor of dimensions, it doesn't matter how long you make the room, it will not change its width. No matter how fast you step with one foot, if the other is not in sync you will end up going in circles.

When we can recognize this, it suggests two perspectives which are immediately helpful. First, it is inappropriate to blame our unsatisfactory bank account on our lack of spiritual development. Second, if we want to expand our social/material possessions, we need to learn the skills appropriate to that realm.

As we recognize that spiritual development is BOTH fundamental to living fulfilling life, AND only one of the many disciplines that we must learn, we give ourselves the freedom to integrate spirit and matter, body and mind, spiritual and material concerns in our lives. By developing the strength and coordination of both our right and left legs, we can move through the world with precision, artistry, and grace.

Mark Michael Lewis
http://RationalSpirituality.com

Voices from Iraq: A Movie of Hope and Tragedy

Voices of Iraq
This movie made me angry, it made me cry, and it made me aware of the lived experience of many Iraqi people. While the media coverage tends to report on the high profile situations, it is the daily experiences of people that give a sense of reality to the War On Terror. When I can understand how the war affects the average person, I can truly begin to identify and empathize with their concerns.

After seeing this movie, I was reminded again about the natural human desire for freedom and the hope for the chance to create a life without fear of arbitrary punishment or destruction.

The fundamental ideals of the USA are truly beautiful: Freedom from compulsion, equality before the law, individual rights, freedom of religion. Although it can be argued that the US violates them from time to time, it is also true that they resonate with our very human soul.

Thank you to the courageous people of Iraq who are fighting and dying to create freedom and individual rights for their people. it is a beautiful thing!

Mark
http://ProblemsAreTheSolution.com

Team America and Spiral Dynamics

Team America and Spiral Dynamics

The movie "Team America: World Police" is an irreverent political satire filled with crude, blatant, and lowbrow humor, including puppet sex, foul language, and graphic violence. With this introduction, it seems an unlikely place to find meaningful commentary on world situation. Unlikely as it might seem, this movie speaks cogently to many of the issues that our post-Cold War world faces.

In the movie, we have three sets of characters: 1) the terrorists and Kim Jong II; 2) the freedom-protecting good guys of Team America; and 3) the peace-loving celebrities of the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.), also referred to as 1) Assholes; 2) Dicks; 3) Pussies.

In the closing scene, the "Hero" of the picture explains the relation of the three as follows.

Pussies hate Dicks because Dicks fuck Pussies. However Dicks also fuck Assholes. Assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think that they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The challenge is the Dicks sometimes fuck too rough or inappropriately and need to be sensitive and listen to the feedback that Pussies give them. However, Pussies can get caught up in their own rhetoric and become Assholes themselves. They stop the Dicks from fucking Assholes and thereby lead to more of the world being covered in shit.

Again, this scatological description seems more humorous than serious, but its fundamental point is telling. To examine underneath the humor, we can use the developmental model of Spiral Dynamics to clarify the issues.

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Spiral Dynamics suggests that the values that people pursue change through time as each individual’s sense of self develops/evolves/matures. It describes 9 different levels of stages of development. It also suggests that groups tend to take on the characteristics of the average level of its members. For purposes of this article, we will discuss 5 increasing levels of development within the Spiral Dynamics model, each designated with a different color (Red being the least developed and Yellow being the most – of the 5 we will discuss. For more information on this model, see http://www.funjoyment.com/ml/docs/SpiralDynamics.htm )

Red: This level values power, both physical and political. The more power the better, and alliances shift based on power. The level sneers at and manipulates those who value things other than power. Group examples of this include the mafia, gangs, and warlords, dictators.
Blue: This level values obedience to a set of moral dictates, typically religious in nature. Those who follow the rules are “good” and one of “us,” while those who break the rules are “evil” and enemies. Group examples of this include religious fundamentalists, or dogmatists of all stripes.

Orange: This level values achievement, individuality, science, technology, and liberty. That which threatens these (power hungry dogmatists or Pollyanna peaceniks for example) is dangerous and the threat it represents must be neutralized. Group examples of this include the American Revolution, secular humanism, Wall Street.

Green: This level values inclusion, pluralism, and sensitivity. It seeks to honor the values of all participants and create harmony through dialog, mutual understanding, and consensus building. It is also tends to be anti-industrial and anti-dogmatic, be it power, religion, or individuality and rationality. Group examples include Greenpeace, ecological groups, postmodernists, peaceniks.

Yellow: This level recognizes the values of each previous level and seeks to honor them while encouraging them to develop to the next level. It integrates all the previous values into a coherent/integral whole. It values increasing depth of consciousness and conditions that promote development. Group examples are few and far between, with perhaps the Integral Institute as it main representative.

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With this simple schema of 5 levels, we can examine the message of Team America in greater depth.

First, the terrorists/Assholes are largely at the Red level of development. They seek and respect power/force and kill, laugh at, or manipulate anyone who gets in their way. To protect their sense of power, they lash out at everything that threatens it, especially industrial civilization and Team America.

Next, Team America/Dicks represents the Orange level of development. They value freedom and wealth and work to protect the world from terrorists that threaten that freedom. They ass-ume that everyone intelligent agrees with them, wants freedom as they understand it, and appreciates their role as World Police.

Last, the FAGs/peaceniks/Pussies represent the Green level of development gone awry. They are so caught up in their own press that they believe that they can use dialog and sensitivity with the Assholes to get them to stop shitting on the rest of the world. They also sympathize with the Assholes against the Dicks, whose arrogance and collateral damage violates their sensitivities.

In this sense, Team America: World Police does a pretty good job of describing the essential problems in dealing with the current international conflicts we are facing. First, the Red/terrorists deal in and understand only power. Attempts to reason with them or dialog for mutual understanding are virtual wastes of time. Negotiating compromises and agreements with them without force to back them up are worthless – they simply won’t comply when it no longer serves their power drives/desires.

Next, the Orange/American position as defender of world freedom is understood as just another move for power by the Red mentality – a move that must be answered with more force. The Green mentality also sees the American “police” actions as motivated by power, in this case corporate greed and the military-industrial complex, who want oil, war, and re-building contracts in Iraq.

Last, the Green/FAG/(Kerry?) attempt to achieve “international consensus” before acting, paralyzes Orange/USA (those who might stop Red terrorists from destroying freedom and industrial achievements). Also, the Green desire for understanding and inclusion can even lead them to justify and sanction terrorist actions such as 9/11 as a legitimate form of protest against “American Imperialism,” which explodes the question of morality/ethics out of the political dialog – inadvertently empowering the power drives and mentality of Red.

Assholes, Dicks, and Pussies. Red/Power, Orange/Freedom, and Green/peaceniks. Team America: World Police provides a comedic but penetrating look into the heart of international politics.

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Unfortunately for Team America: World Police as a teaching device, it failed to represent the Blue/dogmatic level of development. It addressed neither the religious rhetoric of Islamic jihad, nor the fundamentalist Christian response of conservative America “axis of evil,” both of which would have offered not only a more complete understanding of political reality, but a whole bunch of great jokes.

At the same time, I can understand why religion was left out of the movie. First, the point it makes about Assholes, Dicks, and Pussies is clear, succinct, and memorable. To add another set of motivations would not only have deeply complicated things, it would beg the question, “what body part would represent religious fanatics? I personally think a Finger would be appropriate, as religions like to point and poke into everyone’s business and end up finger fucking Pussies, Assholes, and Dicks…but who knows.

Second, the role of Blue/religion is more complex. Red Terrorists use Blue/religious rhetoric to justify their actions and Orange Americans (conservatives) use it to justify their acting as World Police. The truly unfortunate aspect of this is that since both sides use religion as justification, they both take on tinges of Blue. AND, since the use of religion to justify political action is asinine, 9/11 and the War On Terror can be equated as equal manifestations of collective Blue stupidity. This blurs the important distinction between Red terrorism and Orange policing.

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Last, Yellow/Integral is also absent from any characters in this movie. At the same time, the filmmakers themselves demonstrate some yellow sensitivity throughout the film. They point out both the positive and negative aspects of Red/Assholes, Orange/Dicks, and Green/Pussies (O.K., they are particularly harsh on Red, but not completely…the tear jerking scene about declaring a jihad on the infidels who destroyed the village was fair...). I wouldn’t push this point too far, but one comes away from the movie with a deeper appreciation of all the movie’s characters, which is a definite Yellow achievement.

Of course, when I estimate the value of the movie as a whole, it is not the scope or alacrity of the political commentary that stands out, but the side-splitting laughter in the sex and vomit scenes that truly make this film the work of art that it is. Thanks Trey and Matt (and Pam), you guys rock!

Mark Michael Lewis
http://MakingLoveEasy.com