Imagine a world in which you were so busy creating and participating in beautiful experiences (i.e., having fun) that you didn't have time to worry about your success, your achievements, or your attractiveness. Wouldn't that be cool? This article shows you how to make this vision a reality.
I sometimes ask seminar participants to notice their internal response to the following question:
"On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how would you rate your overall self-esteem?"
I encourage you to stop and answer the question yourself before reading on...After having them answer the question to themselves, I then ask them the following question:
"How many of you noticed that you wanted your answer to be higher on the scale - that you wanted to answer that you had very high self-esteem?"
Again, I encourage you to answer this question as well. Typically, most everyone in the room answers the second question "yes, I wanted my answer to be 'high self-esteem.'" I then tell them that the fact that they want high self-esteem is a symptom that they don't have it!
"Only someone with low self-esteem cares if they have high self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are too busy having fun!"
After dealing with the conversation that inevitably follows, I then point out the important part of this exercise, which is this: the whole question of whether or not you have high self-esteem misses the point. Your score on this test simply doesn't matter! Your self-esteem is exactly what it is. Whether or not you recognize it to be high or low doesn't change a thing. All it does is give you another thing to judge yourself about. All it does is feed the idea that you have to "do/be/have" SOMETHING in order to finally be good enough.
In the book, The Key Is In The Darkness (http://ThePriestAndThePunk.com), we point out that there are two types of goals that we can focus on that we call: 1) REWARDS: pleasure, beauty, and happiness, and 2) TROPHIES: success, self-esteem, and proving that you are valuable/good enough and worthy of love and respect.
When we get caught up in pursuing trophies that signify our worth, it is as if we are on trial in our lives; as if there is some judge that is evaluating our performance and promising us moral trophies if we are only "good enough." If we meet the judges standards we win the trophy, we are "successful" and feel self-esteem. If we fail to meet the standards of this judge, we don't get trophies, but get labeled a failure and "not good enough." We feel shame. The more we focus on pleasing this judge, the more important winning (and especially not losing) these trophies becomes. We become more interested in looking good than being happy. We call this the self-image/self-esteem game.
The more important our self-esteem becomes, the we play the self-esteem game, the more of our time/energy/attention gets caught up in trying to win or protect our trophies, and the less time/energy/attention is available to build happiness, intimacy, and beauty in our lives. To the degree you focus on your level of success or value or accomplishment - to the degree that you care about your self-esteem - to that degree you steal valuable attention from those aspects of life that will really make you happy.
I like to think of the self-esteem game like a spider. Imagine you are at a picnic table having fun with your friends and a small and harmless spider begins crawling accross the table. For some people, when they see the spider, it attracts all of their attention. They stop whatever conversation they are having and focus all of their energy on getting rid of the spider. They might back away from the table, or insist that someone else "get rid of it!" In other words, everything else has to stop until the spider is taken care of. The experiences of real value - the friendships and intimacy, the enjoyment of the food and environment, the plans and partnership you are discussing - all these go by the wayside so we can "deal with" this spider.
Self-esteem concerns act just like the spider in this story. Only with self-esteem, there isn't even a spider to be concerned about, only 1) our opinion of our Self, and/or 2) our beleifs about the opinions others hold about us. Instead of a spider, we see an imaginary trophy that we will either win or lose, depending on whether or not we are "good enough."
For example, I might be at the picnic table with my friends, and begin to worry about whether or not I have food in my teeth (or whether I am attractive, or thin, or successful, or smart, or graceful, or even relaxed or enlightened enough, etc...). In the process, my attention gets sucked away from the conversation, the friendship, the beauty of the picnic and focused on my teeth. However, instead of just asking someone if I have food in my teeth (that would be...unthinkable! How embarassing - it would be proof that I am not good enough...and what if they said yes! How embarrassing! That would be more proof...), I put all of my attention on 1) pretending to still be involved in the conversation, while I 2) try to inconspicuously clean the spaces between my teeth (or internally talk to myself about whatever "self-esteem" concern that has gotten my attention). The more I focus on my teeth, the less "present" I am to the picnic, the less I particpate in the conversation, and the less joy I get from the experience. Further, I will typically become afraid that someone will notice that I am not present and ask me what I am thinking about, which would be embarassing... In fact, I might leave the picnic wishing I hadn't gone because it was so uncomfortable for me to be around people because my focus was on my self-esteem concerns.
"On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how would you rate your overall self-esteem?"
I encourage you to stop and answer the question yourself before reading on...After having them answer the question to themselves, I then ask them the following question:
"How many of you noticed that you wanted your answer to be higher on the scale - that you wanted to answer that you had very high self-esteem?"
Again, I encourage you to answer this question as well. Typically, most everyone in the room answers the second question "yes, I wanted my answer to be 'high self-esteem.'" I then tell them that the fact that they want high self-esteem is a symptom that they don't have it!
"Only someone with low self-esteem cares if they have high self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are too busy having fun!"
After dealing with the conversation that inevitably follows, I then point out the important part of this exercise, which is this: the whole question of whether or not you have high self-esteem misses the point. Your score on this test simply doesn't matter! Your self-esteem is exactly what it is. Whether or not you recognize it to be high or low doesn't change a thing. All it does is give you another thing to judge yourself about. All it does is feed the idea that you have to "do/be/have" SOMETHING in order to finally be good enough.
In the book, The Key Is In The Darkness (http://ThePriestAndThePunk.com), we point out that there are two types of goals that we can focus on that we call: 1) REWARDS: pleasure, beauty, and happiness, and 2) TROPHIES: success, self-esteem, and proving that you are valuable/good enough and worthy of love and respect.
When we get caught up in pursuing trophies that signify our worth, it is as if we are on trial in our lives; as if there is some judge that is evaluating our performance and promising us moral trophies if we are only "good enough." If we meet the judges standards we win the trophy, we are "successful" and feel self-esteem. If we fail to meet the standards of this judge, we don't get trophies, but get labeled a failure and "not good enough." We feel shame. The more we focus on pleasing this judge, the more important winning (and especially not losing) these trophies becomes. We become more interested in looking good than being happy. We call this the self-image/self-esteem game.
The more important our self-esteem becomes, the we play the self-esteem game, the more of our time/energy/attention gets caught up in trying to win or protect our trophies, and the less time/energy/attention is available to build happiness, intimacy, and beauty in our lives. To the degree you focus on your level of success or value or accomplishment - to the degree that you care about your self-esteem - to that degree you steal valuable attention from those aspects of life that will really make you happy.
I like to think of the self-esteem game like a spider. Imagine you are at a picnic table having fun with your friends and a small and harmless spider begins crawling accross the table. For some people, when they see the spider, it attracts all of their attention. They stop whatever conversation they are having and focus all of their energy on getting rid of the spider. They might back away from the table, or insist that someone else "get rid of it!" In other words, everything else has to stop until the spider is taken care of. The experiences of real value - the friendships and intimacy, the enjoyment of the food and environment, the plans and partnership you are discussing - all these go by the wayside so we can "deal with" this spider.
Self-esteem concerns act just like the spider in this story. Only with self-esteem, there isn't even a spider to be concerned about, only 1) our opinion of our Self, and/or 2) our beleifs about the opinions others hold about us. Instead of a spider, we see an imaginary trophy that we will either win or lose, depending on whether or not we are "good enough."
For example, I might be at the picnic table with my friends, and begin to worry about whether or not I have food in my teeth (or whether I am attractive, or thin, or successful, or smart, or graceful, or even relaxed or enlightened enough, etc...). In the process, my attention gets sucked away from the conversation, the friendship, the beauty of the picnic and focused on my teeth. However, instead of just asking someone if I have food in my teeth (that would be...unthinkable! How embarassing - it would be proof that I am not good enough...and what if they said yes! How embarrassing! That would be more proof...), I put all of my attention on 1) pretending to still be involved in the conversation, while I 2) try to inconspicuously clean the spaces between my teeth (or internally talk to myself about whatever "self-esteem" concern that has gotten my attention). The more I focus on my teeth, the less "present" I am to the picnic, the less I particpate in the conversation, and the less joy I get from the experience. Further, I will typically become afraid that someone will notice that I am not present and ask me what I am thinking about, which would be embarassing... In fact, I might leave the picnic wishing I hadn't gone because it was so uncomfortable for me to be around people because my focus was on my self-esteem concerns.
The spider of self-esteem is even more challenging than a real spider because we can actually deal with a real spider. We can scoot it away, put it outside, or even kill it. However, in life, there are an endless number of self-esteem issues to focus on. It is like an army of spiders coming from all sides. We can never address them all. The only thing we can do is just let them be, and focus on the positive experiences of the picnic.
This is often called forgiveness. It is to accept that we will never be attractive, successful, rich, accomplished, or enlightened "enough." There is always farther to go, and always "better" to get. In the face of this, we accept where we are, let go of the self-judgement, and focus on having fun with what we have. We are EXACTLY as we are. We are perfectly what we are. We are an expression of a universe that is so great and glorious that it is appropriately called divine. As we accept ourselves as a participant and expression of this divinity, we realize that we are free from the need to earn trophies. We are free to express our deepest sense of love, joy, and beauty, just because it feels ecstatic to do so!
For those who believe that it is not your place to forgive yourself, that only a divine power or being that has the power to judge you, allow that divine presence to forgive you. In virtually every religious tradition, the divine source has offered forgiveness and salvation - you have the choice to accept that forgiveness and realize that there is nothing you need to prove, that you are already fully accepted and loved as you are, and that there are an infinite number of ways to express your love and thanks to the divnity that created and embraces you.
This is the shift from trophies to rewards; from trying to prove that we are good enough to enjoying life as fully as possible; from doing something because we think we should, to doing it because it honors and expresses our deepest values; from trying to fit ourselves into the mold of who we think we should be, to exploring, discovering, and expressing who we are. Most importantly, it is to do this in the face of spiders, in the face of our own idiosyncratic silliness and mistakes.
The experience of focusing on love, joy, and beauty in the face of our and the world's silliness - just because it feels "right" to our soul, is what we call FunJoyment. Perhaps this article inspired you to let go of some of your self-esteem concerns and focus on the beauty and possibility that is all around you. If so, FunJoy it!
Mark
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